The Day That Time Stood Still...

It's taken a year for me to even begin to accept that no, Fernando doesn't live in this house anymore. He lives in Our Father's house. A lot of things that used to matter really don't anymore. Nothing matters the same as it once did. Whether it matters more or less, it matters differently now.

Words don't mean the same. The first to morph were simple words like "ok" and "fine" whose meanings changed immediately never again to mean the same. Words like grief and widow have become part of who I am, rather than concepts that affect other people. Even the feeling of grief itself was and is new, raw and more real - with a depth of feeling it never had before.

Time loses all meaning. Its passing is measured in before and after, and all the months since before have been jumbled and confusing. I barely remember the summer of 2016, save for tiny pockets of peace in a sea of turbulent emotions. Things are dated by the passage of time - 'well, that hasn't been used in over a year.' 

Beautiful things and genuine, caring people have become more precious; and I've realized that there's no time in this life to focus my energies on those that aren't. My circle drew tighter, so close at first that very few could come inside. Venturing out again into the world is still strange and weird. Where we used to be a couple, now we are me. 

I miss everything about him - even the things that used to annoy me no end! The look he'd give me when I said something ridiculous; his matter-of-fact answers when I'd ask a question; the way he slurped his coffee when it was too hot. His incredible sense of logic and ability to solve problems. His commentary on politics, world issues and our government. His ability to take apart a computer, put it back together, and have it work better than before. The amazing amount of essential trivia the man could absorb and retain! His sense of humor. His compassionate nature. His culinary skills. And his knack for making me laugh when I wanted to cry. I even miss his snoring.

Today is the anniversary of the day our worlds changed forever - me and my girls. When I remember significant dates in my life, they're good memories, happy times, before now. "The date" has been looming and we've discussed 'what we should do' to commemorate that fateful day. But all of our conversations have boiled down to this. For most of you, today is a sad day and a day to remember someone we cared about very much who's no longer with us. But for us, we realize this is really just another day in the journey. It just happens to be the day our new journey began.

And speaking of the girls, these two young women amaze me. Yes. Most people know what it's like to lose a parent. No matter what age you are when it happens, you are affected. And your perspective on the world changes. Fernando sat right there on our couch talking to me and his best friend joking how he figured he had time for his grand-kids to become teenagers and get to know him, remember him. I was so angry that those years and those memories were stolen from us! And I guess I still am. In an instant, these two young ladies went from girls to women. No transition period allowed - because we all needed each other, in the worst of circumstances. And we made it! And we will continue to be strong, powerful, loving women! We are survivors. I am proud of these two young women; and I know he is too!

Not a single day of the last 365 has been easy. Some days are better than others; but there are tears and anger and sadness all the days. I expect there will be many more days like this in my future. The pain will ease somewhat I hear, but loss will always be with me. It's like starting your life over again, but you've already done all the good parts. Yes, there will be happy times in the future, possibly weddings and grand-babies in the years to come. And as happy as all those future events will be, they will also be tinged with sadness, not only for me but for the girls. They say life isn't fair. They're right. 

All of that said, I wouldn't trade one minute of what we had... I just really, really wanted more... 

LOVE ONE ANOTHER