Loretta Was Here

I’ve had people ask me how I’m doing. Honestly, sometimes I just don’t know what to say in response. It depends on when you catch me. Frankly, the best times are when I’m talking to someone besides myself…. especially when  it’s not about how I’m doing. So if you’re over in my hood, hit me up. First and foremost, it does not seem like I’ve been alone now for over five months. On the other hand, it’s been forever since I saw him, touched him, held him, heard his voice. And I think of him and his absence constantly… Still, it’s getting a LITTLE less difficult to move through the days. (The nights, that’s different…) I never know when it’s going to hit me - scooping dog food into bowls in the morning, paying bills at my computer, sitting in the parking lot of the grocery store, pet store, post office or drugstore… or in the middle of my living room. It feels a bit like walking along the beach, gentle breeze, warm sun, surf at my feet when SWOOOOSH… with the force of a tsunami I’m

Starting over... but not, at 57. I could see this at 75, but 57 is wrong. It's like starting over, but I've already done all the important shit... Get a degree: check Find my soul mate: check Marry my soulmate: check Buy a home: check Have beautiful children with soulmate: check Plan for retirement with soulmate: in progress Pay off mortgage: check Then... you died... Now, I have a house, two daughters, two dogs... and no you. What now?

We've all had those nightmares that are so horrifying and so real that we wake with a start, gasping for air, maybe even calling out. I remember those days when I'd have dreams like that and wake up, heart pounding  to realize that everything's okay... It was just a dream. Go back to sleep. Everything's fine.... Except now I have that nightmare over and over and over. The most absolutely terrifying feeling in the world is knowing that you are awake and the nightmare is still happening. The nightmare. Oh, I've prayed and I've begged and I've pleaded to just wake up, gasping for air, weeping with relief... But the nightmare is real. And it's not going to end. What does one do with that fact?

What am I thinking? ... about how I miss you every second of the day that I have time to think about anything... How am I? ... Well, how would you be if the best part of your life, one of your reasons for living, were suddenly and irrevocably removed from your life? From all the plans you'd made together for your future? From all the projects that you'd meant to do to your home - the home you'd struggled and scrimped and saved to finally call our own? What did I do this weekend? Oh... I sat in our house alone and thought about the fact that we were going to have a belated anniversary party to celebrate 30 years of marriage, cause we hadn't quite decided we wanted a party ON our actual anniversary until it was too late... So we were going to have our anniversary party on the anniversary of our first date... 39 years!!! ... but you weren't here, so we didn't and I sat here on the couch by myself missing you. What did I do today? The same thing I've done

Little defeats in life are normal. I get annoyed, but mostly I take them in stride after an initial period of bitching because things didn't go as planned. Now, not so much... Saturday I spent over two hours preparing for an outing on Sunday where I would see a lot of people I haven't seen in over 2 months and 15 days. I simplified to make it easier along the way. Sunday I got up as planned, showered and dressed, and spent an hour talking myself into actually being a big girl and walking out the door. My various conversations during that hour all kinda came down to one question: "What Would Fernando Say"? So I crated da boyz, grabbed my stuff and headed out the door. I drove an hour to get where I was going. It probably would have been shorter if I'd known exactly where I was going, but I didn't. I finally arrive and BAM. Nothing. Outing cancelled. No admittance. And I'm devastated... Little things, like making plans to be around other people are mon

I remember the first time I ever saw a black panther live and in 'person' at the zoo in Tyler. He was gorgeous - a magnificent creature of the feline species... And he was confined to a cage. I'll never forget him. This majestic creature lived in a concrete and metal cage. I don't remember the dimensions, but I do remember thinking that he was probably 6 feet from head to where his tail began, or so it seemed. His cell was about  1-1/2 times his body length - for simplicity's sake, let's say 10 feet. There was an upper deck and a lower deck, both concrete, neither more than 4 feet wide. And this majestic feline, he paced. His size and stature didn't allow him to turn around in the tiny, enclosed space to which he was confined. Instead, he paced the length of the lower deck; soundlessly leapt to the upper deck and turned; then paced the upper deck. Descending from upper to lower again was not quite so soundless. The pure size and strength of his body

Today is hard; yesterday was hard... life, in general is hard now, baby. I miss you so much. Today I was wandering around looking for your phone. The battery had died and I got stuck listening to your Voicemail Message. And I asked for a sign. The irony as you know is the sign I used to have on the door until it got faded and worn and I took it down to redo it. Basically, go away. We don't need anything and we already know Jesus.... So, twice now when I've asked specifically for a sign, He's sent the angel Connie. Connie is beautiful inside and out. I'm sure she feared for her life the first time she came by. ... I asked for a sign. And He sent you.

All my life I've tried to earn your love and approval - at least your acceptance. Everything I have done with you and for you, I have done because I loved you and I cared for you and I wanted the very best for you. I now understand that this love, approval, acceptance will never happen. And I no longer want what should have always been freely given... If I have to work this hard to earn your love, I don't need it and I don't want it...