How are you?

I’ve had people ask me how I’m doing. Honestly, sometimes I just don’t know what to say in response. It depends on when you catch me. Frankly, the best times are when I’m talking to someone besides myself…. especially when  it’s not about how I’m doing. So if you’re over in my hood, hit me up.

First and foremost, it does not seem like I’ve been alone now for over five months. On the other hand, it’s been forever since I saw him, touched him, held him, heard his voice. And I think of him and his absence constantly… Still, it’s getting a LITTLE less difficult to move through the days. (The nights, that’s different…)

I never know when it’s going to hit me - scooping dog food into bowls in the morning, paying bills at my computer, sitting in the parking lot of the grocery store, pet store, post office or drugstore… or in the middle of my living room. It feels a bit like walking along the beach, gentle breeze, warm sun, surf at my feet when SWOOOOSH… with the force of a tsunami I’m knocked to my knees, sputtering and sobbing and trying to breathe normally… and then I stand back up, dust myself off, wipe my eyes and continue walking. I walk in circles, not forgetting why I came into a room but rather wandering with no actual purpose except to keep from sitting down and thinking.

I guess the phrase that comes to mind now when someone asks “How are you?” is “forever changed”. But I usually just say “okay”, shrug, and keep moving…