I’ve had people ask me how I’m doing. Honestly, sometimes I just don’t know what to say in response. It depends on when you catch me. Frankly, the best times are when I’m talking to someone besides myself…. especially when it’s not about how I’m doing. So if you’re over in my hood, hit me up. First and foremost, it does not seem like I’ve been alone now for over five months. On the other hand, it’s been forever since I saw him, touched him, held him, heard his voice. And I think of him and his absence constantly… Still, it’s getting a LITTLE less difficult to move through the days. (The nights, that’s different…) I never know when it’s going to hit me - scooping dog food into bowls in the morning, paying bills at my computer, sitting in the parking lot of the grocery store, pet store, post office or drugstore… or in the middle of my living room. It feels a bit like walking along the beach, gentle breeze, warm sun, surf at my feet when SWOOOOSH… with the force of a tsunami...
I usually only ever feel overwhelmed when I try to fit myself somewhere on the spectrum of "normal" human behavior. Growing up, being different was our "crime", our "fatal flaw" that we were to cover up from prying eyes at all costs. The ultimate reproof from mom was "What would people THINK?!?!?" and so ingrained is that ever important question that I'm sometimes a dysfunctional adult because of it. It's easy to SAY "f&%k it! I don't care what they think!... much more difficult to actually DO.
Starting over... but not, at 57. I could see this at 75, but 57 is wrong. It's like starting over, but I've already done all the important shit... Get a degree: check Find my soul mate: check Marry my soulmate: check Buy a home: check Have beautiful children with soulmate: check Plan for retirement with soulmate: in progress Pay off mortgage: check Then... you died... Now, I have a house, two daughters, two dogs... and no you. What now?
Comments
Post a Comment