Loretta Was Here

Starting over... but not, at 57. I could see this at 75, but 57 is wrong. It's like starting over, but I've already done all the important shit... Get a degree: check Find my soul mate: check Marry my soulmate: check Buy a home: check Have beautiful children with soulmate: check Plan for retirement with soulmate: in progress Pay off mortgage: check Then... you died... Now, I have a house, two daughters, two dogs... and no you. What now?

We've all had those nightmares that are so horrifying and so real that we wake with a start, gasping for air, maybe even calling out. I remember those days when I'd have dreams like that and wake up, heart pounding  to realize that everything's okay... It was just a dream. Go back to sleep. Everything's fine.... Except now I have that nightmare over and over and over. The most absolutely terrifying feeling in the world is knowing that you are awake and the nightmare is still happening. The nightmare. Oh, I've prayed and I've begged and I've pleaded to just wake up, gasping for air, weeping with relief... But the nightmare is real. And it's not going to end. What does one do with that fact?

What am I thinking? ... about how I miss you every second of the day that I have time to think about anything... How am I? ... Well, how would you be if the best part of your life, one of your reasons for living, were suddenly and irrevocably removed from your life? From all the plans you'd made together for your future? From all the projects that you'd meant to do to your home - the home you'd struggled and scrimped and saved to finally call our own? What did I do this weekend? Oh... I sat in our house alone and thought about the fact that we were going to have a belated anniversary party to celebrate 30 years of marriage, cause we hadn't quite decided we wanted a party ON our actual anniversary until it was too late... So we were going to have our anniversary party on the anniversary of our first date... 39 years!!! ... but you weren't here, so we didn't and I sat here on the couch by myself missing you. What did I do today? The same thing I've done ...